I've been a weird kind of a mess lately. I've always had issues with anxiety, but they really came out in January and into February. I've been trying to find the sources of the anxiety and think it boils down to what I collectively call "work". I spend so much time on my computer. Whether I'm on Etsy, planning blogs, or answering e-mails, it all feels like "working" and 99% of it is unnecessary. Throw in "social networking", which I'm no big fan of, and I feel like I'm wasting so much time on things I've added to my "to-do" list just to have something to fill the list up.
Anyway, I'm going to be making some changes both for my anxiety and because in no way can I justify all the time I spend with my Macbook. I want to read and walk and be able to "be" without noise and typing and communicating constantly. I think it's pretty depressing how hard it was for me to just sit and think the other day. I was on the couch without a tv, computer, phone or anything else and I just got that little voice in the back of my head telling me to "work" or "do something beneficial". I think it's been tiring me out and making me nervous.
I'm pretty sick of feeling "obligated" to have all this junk in my life. Facebook and Twitter are pretty pointless for me. I'm a reserved person. I don't want my thoughts plastered all over the internet, so I rarely use them. They sit there and give me anxiety about how many "followers" or "friends" I have. My blog serves as a display of self worth as I worry about how many "followers" or comments" I get. I've become so obsessed with these numbers, that I don't enjoy what I'm doing anymore. I look at Etsy sales and try to focus on how to get that number to go up rather than enjoying the crocheting and sewing I used to do purely for fun.
So this is my plan: I'm going to rid myself of the unnecessary social networking (making sure I get some cell phone numbers of those I don't actually want to lose touch with), I'm going to hide all the "followers" numbers and "hit counts" and things that serve no real purpose other than bragging rights. I'm going to spend much less time around my computer. I still want to have seamless communication with Etsy buyers, but really don't need all the extra time spent doing other things. I want to read a lot more. I want to go home and take my dogs for walks. I want to go out in the world and be able to do things by myself without anxiety constantly coaxing me to just "go home and watch Hulu".
This should have been a resolution from the start of 2012.
What can be expected on the 909 Cherry blog: less frequent posts, but more quality posts - truly updating on things I want to be able to look back on and important information for the shop.
I really need to train my mind to care more about what I'm doing/enjoying than the response it's getting from others. That's something I think growing up with "the internet" has really messed up for me. I care about "likes" and "comments" and "followers" and not writing or making things. I'm going to stop making excuses for not going out. I'm going to stop spending 90% of my waking time at home attached to the living room because that's where my computer is. It's okay not to be constantly watching videos. It's okay not to listen to music every waking minute. And it's definitely okay not to make extra "work" for myself especially due to the anxiety that comes with others' opinions of it.
Today I'm going to loosen myself from the internet.
-Insert some dramatic song. Like Indiana Jones theme music or something.-